Pokécharms at 20: When Life is Just Re-VOLT-ing

Posted at: 5:48pm on 17th March 2023

For years and years, one of the mainstay sections of the site in the early 2000s was a Fan Fiction page hosting a handful of stories written by myself and other members. One of those was this short piece by StellarWind Elsydeon, which we are re-publishing on the site for the first time in about 15 years. Enjoy!

When Life is Just Re-VOLT-ing

By StellarWind Elsydeon

Written as a parody on all those Mewtwo angst fics that were all the rage back when this was written.

Ever wondered why Voltorbs blow themselves up of their own free will?


(Apologies to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.)

It was yet another day at New Mauville – utterly indiscernible from any other day at New Mauville, save for one thing. On this particular day, a trainer was walking through the darkened halls with one purpose in mind – to shut down the generator, as he was bid to do by Wattson, Mauville City’s Gym Leader. Taking the local electric-types into no consideration, the trainer determinedly made his way towards the generator room.

One of the things he took into no consideration was a random Voltorb who used Selfdestruct, causing some minor damage to one of his Pokémon. And since this is not quite an abnormal behavior for a Voltorb, the trainer did not take much time to come to terms with the Voltorb’s existence as a Voltorb before having to come to terms with it not being a Voltorb anymore.

This is what went through the Voltorb’s mind before it self-destructed:

Like many others of my kind, I was ‘born’… Born? Pah! As if an artificial being like I is even worthy of the term ‘born’! I suppose you could say I was ‘manufactured’, but why in the world would anyone bother to manufacture one like me, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m so simple looking? Meh, like anyone cares anyhow.

So anyway, I somehow ended up being aware. And believe me, it’s not easy being aware when you’re really just an electrically-powered pile of metal with eyes. I have no idea just where the hell I was, but it wasn’t pretty. Y’know the routine: flashing lights, metallic arms, all of that horribly uninteresting stuff. And to add insult to injury, there was like a million of us over there, too! And we all looked the same. Can you imagine how depressing that is, to know that you’re just one in a million? Why, I was so frustrated I had to let some of it out or I was going to burst right there! So, I zapped one of them birds that just used to sit there and peck at the wires. The next thing I know, I get knocked off the manufacturing line by a bunch of REALLY sharp beaks. It HURT! You may think that we’re only balls of metal but we have feelings too, you know! So, I zapped them again and again until they were pretty much well-done. And that made me feel better.

For a few seconds, then I realized I was hungry.

Now, for YOU guys, eating isn’t a problem – you just find something edible, shove it in your mouth, chew, swallow, EAT. That’s it. No big deal, right? But do you think our makers were considerate enough to give us a mouth? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. They only gave us eyes! As if those pathetic camera things can count as eyes, I mean. Oh, and speaking of which, they could have at LEAST given us some, y’know, legs or something so we wouldn’t have to bounce around like idiots. But I guess that’s too much to ask, is it? Bloody typical.

So here I am, bouncing around like an idiot, looking for something to eat… and then I realize that the door I just jumped through wasn’t a door – it was a window, and here I am falling right into the middle of the freakin’ OCEAN. Now, I don’t like water. I REALLY don’t like water, but do you think I had a call on the matter? NO! I’m just a stupid little glowing ball, after all! So, then I find myself drifting. I was beginning to wonder when I would end up as Sharpedo bait, but it turns out that even the SHARPEDOES didn’t want to get near me! So what if I’ve got a little static electricity around me? Am I really this horrible?

… So a few days pass and I’m still at sea. Wanna know how I amused myself? Watching fish get eaten by bigger fish. It’s not like I needed to breathe or something, and with my eyes constantly rolling in and out of the water… it’s annoying but is there anything else to do in the middle of this freakin’ ocean? Nothing! And of course by then I’m getting INSANELY hungry. So I sigh and get ready to give up when suddenly this big-ass Gyarados rears its ugly head and looks me right in the eyes.

Now, not that I mind Gyarados, but I DO mind being thrown out of the water into a bunch of rather sharp rocks by a crazy tail blow, which is just what the damn thing did. Typical. No mercy. Nobody likes the electric ball!

Anyway, after I peeled meself off the rocks (getting some scratches on my paintwork too. Meh.) I just so happen to notice some sign with some weird letters on it. So I roll in, figuring, what the hell, anything’s better than rotting on this beach – and surprise! I run into a pack of FLOATING balls. And they’ve got stuff stuck to them and only one big eye. So I go “Hey, Cyclops, where the heck am I?” and the thing just ROLLS ITS EYE at me and tells one of its floating friends “Guess what, ‘mate. We’ve got another one. Welcome to New Mauville, kid. Now scram.”

New Mauville? What the heck? That’s the silliest name I’ve ever heard. Great, I’m stuck for eternity in a place with a silly name and full of obnoxious floating bastards.

So, I bounce off looking for food when I accidentally trip and fall on something green. Then I realize the door behind me just CLOSED ITSELF! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME! And then I just happen to feel something interesting. So I bounce off in its general direction and run into – surprise, surprise – a BIG MACHINE. Now, I have no freakin’ idea what it is, but I didn’t feel so hungry anymore. Maybe it was the fact that I was just hit by a bolt of lightning generated by that thing and when you’re hit by one you don’t really think of food. Or maybe that lightning WAS food. Whatever it was, it STILL hurt. Things we do to survive, eh?

So time CONTINUES passing, and I’m getting used to the situation. Bounce around, get zapped, bounce around, rinse and repeat – how bloody boring do you think that can get? I’d ask the other ones like me but they don’t care about me. All they care about is themselves and how miserable THEY are. And now YOU come along and think that if you took out Cyclops and those obnoxious chums of its then you have the right to turn off the zapping-thingy and break my routine?! It’s depressing, yes, but won’t you even bother to ASK me first?! WHY?! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE CARE?!

Bah, screw you guys, I don’t care anymore. I’m out of here. See you in hell.


Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the trainer’s mind when the Voltorb self-destructed was ‘Oh No, Not Again’.

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